Where I Want To Be
by Laree
Summary: [Sanzo x Hakkai] Sanzo and Hakkai have it out. From Hakkai's POV because I wanted to explore his character more. ^_^


Title:  Where I Want to Be

Part:  1/1

Author:  Laree McKenzie

Fandom:  Gensomaden Saiyuki

Rating:  PG13

Contact:  lareemackie@yahoo.com.au

Archive:  http://llmackie.tripod.com/

Warnings:  Shounen Ai material (Sanzo x Hakkai/Hakkai x Sanzo).  This fic was brought about by listening to the song 'Breathing' by Lifehouse, one of my favorites ^__^.

* * *

Where I Want to Be 

My harsh, ragged breathing slows down to its normal pace as Sanzo rolls off me without another word.  As usual, I'm left with the feeling of emptiness that comes after the heated passion of our lovemaking, if you could call our frantic, hurried couplings that.

Slowly, I turned my face towards the pillow where Sanzo had rested his head only moments before and breathed in the lingering scent that had been left there.  Soft and musky, with a trace of tobacco that always seemed to linger around him and the smell of the shampoo and soap that I purchased for the use of our group.  I try to lose myself in that scent.  Try to keep my mind off the ugly truth that it always eventually turned to.

There's no love between us.  As much as I would like to fool myself into thinking that maybe, these late night sessions meant as much to him as they did me, I'm a realist.

We were thrown together by the fates out of necessity, bonded by the common burden of restoring order to our world for the sake of all.  And through the course of our journey, we turned to each other out of necessity, the need to get away from everything, to forget all except the beautifully toned body pressed against you, even if only for a while.

Gojyo has such an appropriate term for it.  It's an ugly and crass term, but it effectively describes my pseudo relationship with the monk.  That's what Sanzo and I were:  Fuck Buddies.  

I cringe even as I think of it, but yes, it was appropriate.  After all, what went on between us was nothing more than a bastardization of what should have been a beautiful act of love between two people who cared deeply for each other, at least that's what I've always been taught.  

But hey, if it allows you to forget about what a dire situation you were in for a while, why not?  The only things that seem to bring me comfort these days are my friendship with the three men who were all in it with me, and Sanzo.  I wasn't about to give him up, no matter how confused and awkward I felt after each of our encounters.

I sit myself up, resting my back against the headboard of the bed, unsure of what to do with myself.  I always was.  Sanzo makes no indication of having noticed my movement as I shifted slightly to place myself more comfortably.

He's beautiful.  I love watching him at these times, because I get to see Sanzo at his best.  His face is smooth and free of the usual scowl or somber expression, cheeks slightly flushed from his exertion.  The moonlight streaming in through the nearby window falls upon him and picks out the golden highlights of his hair.  His eyes are closed and his chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm, yet I know that he's not asleep yet.  He's merely composing himself.  It was part of the routine.

He was so lovely, indescribably lovely, and I could never have him.  Not in the way that I wanted, not completely.  I wish that I could just get my stupid, stubborn heart to understand that, but it refused to cooperate.  

I smile down at my clasped hands and break the silence with the sound of my voice: "Ne, Sanzo.  Before we leave this village tomorrow morning, I think I should go and stock up on supplies.  We're running a little low on-"

He opens one amethyst eye and fixes it upon me.  He has the strangest eyes I've ever come across on a person.  I've never seen anything like them or ever will again, I think.  They, just like the rest of Sanzo, are one of a kind.  They're part of what makes him unique.  "Do whatever you like."

I nod, not at all put out by his brusqueness.  He's always like that after all.  You get used to it after a while.  I even find it comforting, knowing that the world around me may change at any given time, but Sanzo will remain the same as he always was.  He couldn't even act a little less aloof around the man that he'd been sleeping with every night for the last couple of months, but then that was Genjo Sanzo for you.  He perceived any sort of affection towards an individual to be a weakness.  In a way, I guess he was right.

The more deeply you love someone, the harder the fall that you're setting yourself up for.  I learned that through my experience with Kanan, or I should have.  But human or youkai, and I'd been both, just weren't made to be solitary creatures.  They search for comfort within others, no matter how afraid they are of being hurt again.

"Thank you, Sanzo."  I doggedly press on with the conversation in spite of the fact that I knew that it would be rather one sided, he never contributed much and I just never know when to give up, I guess.  I tell him about my planned route for the next day, about Gojyo and the slight brawl that he'd been in that evening over some girl, how I'd had to drag Goku away from the inn kitchens where he'd been begging for food, about all the chores that I needed to get done and he never once says anything, never once made a sound, but at least he's not telling me to shut up.  For some reason, he almost never does.  He just lets me go on and on, as I like about the most trivial things.  Maybe the sound of my voice quiets him.  Who knows?  I certainly find listening to him speaking very comforting.  

But he doesn't even make any indication whatsoever that he's listening.  I don't mind that much.  I'd like more from him, maybe, but I was happy for what little I could get out of him.  I've never been particularly demanding.  I guess that's both a good thing and a bad thing, and it would explain how I could bear this sort of arrangement.

I slip back into silence and immerse myself in my thoughts, my eyes lingering upon my companion's face.

He's arrogant, he's selfish, and cold, short tempered and everything that you would least expect a supposedly holy man to be.  He was everything that I had never known I particularly wanted in a companion and surprisingly enough, he was the one that had somehow broken through the defenses that I'd put around myself after Kanan's death.  He was the one that made his way into my heart, which puzzled me.  I was usually more drawn towards gentle, quiet people who needed me.

You certainly wouldn't describe Sanzo as gentle and quiet and he'd made it quite clear that he thought he didn't need me, or anyone else for that matter, but he made me feel.  He caused a turmoil of emotions within me; confusion, frustration, love and countless of others that I couldn't even begin to grasp all churning inside me until I was hard pressed to keep my usual, amiable smile upon my face.  

He enthralled me; he had me completely under his spell.  The prospect of being able to break through Sanzo's own barriers excited me, but that was an impossible fantasy of mine.  It's horribly romantic to think of being the one to bring the cold, callous person out of his shell, and also horribly difficult to actually accomplish.

I didn't think I'd be able to do that.  I didn't think Sanzo would ever allow me to get close enough to try.

I don't know if I even _wanted_ to try, not after my horrible track record when it comes to matters concerning the heart.  I'm a coward.  I didn't want to spoil things.  If this was really the best that I could get out of him, this casual relationship that went no deeper than guilt free sex, then so be it.    

Any other normal man would have been thrilled by the arrangement.  No commitment, just a warm body beside you every night.  "Maybe Gojyo would be better suited to you, ne, Sanzo?" I smile at the thought.  Those two would have killed each other, but at least Gojyo would have been happier than I was.  He saw nothing wrong with arrangements such as ours.

"Are you insulting my intelligence?  Sticking me with that idiot half-breed?" I jump slightly, startled by the sudden sound of his voice.  I really hadn't meant to speak aloud.  Sanzo sits up also, fumbles around on the bedside table for his packet of cigarettes and lights up, his eyes trained upon me the whole time.  

"Gojyo is a lot smarter that you think he is.  He's not book smart, but he knows his way around things and that's just as good, don't you think, Sanzo?  Besides, this doesn't really require much intelligence, don't you agree?" I'd meant that as a lighthearted comment but when it came out, even I could sense the tinge of bitterness in my usually pleasant and cheerful tone.  

Just when I'd decided that it would be unwise to press the matter, here I was doing just that.  I was considered the levelheaded and smart one of the group, and then I go ahead and do something this phenomenally stupid and embarrassing, sulking like a wronged woman.

There's silence.  I don't dare look at Sanzo's face but his breathing seems to have sped up from agitation and the cigarette butt was crushed abruptly against the ashtray.  The tension between us was so palpable that I was tempted to just jump out of bed, gather my things and retreat to my own room but I knew that that would only make things worse.  

Since I'd already set things into motion, we might as well talk through this right now.

"I haven't been forcing myself on you."  He was angry, I could tell.  I risked a glance at him, his jaw is set, his eyes are flashing angrily and his fists are clenched tightly together, fingernails digging into his palm.  I'd never seen him like this before.  He got angry a lot with Gojyo or Goku, but he was never this intense.  "If you don't want this, then say so.  Don't feel obliged to cater to me like you do everyone else just because I got stuck with the job as the leader for you lot."

"Do you really think I'd allow you to take advantage of me if I didn't want it?"  I was much stronger than I appeared to be.  Sanzo and I having fought side by side on numerous occasions before should have realized that if anyone had tried anything on me that I didn't want, they'd end up severely punished, no matter who they were. 

"Damn you, Hakkai."  He'd never cursed me before.  Tempers were flaring dangerously.  I can control my own very well but the same couldn't be said for Sanzo.  He was a passionate man by nature and was liable to get out of control when in the heat of anger.  "No one can ever tell what you want or don't want.   You talk in riddles, never just coming out with something outright.  You hide behind that idiotic smile and you have this way of sounding unbearably holy sometimes.  Most of the time, I think you should have been the Sanzo instead of me."

"Better unbearably holy than completely blind to the needs of your companion." I muttered, the 'idiotic smile' completely wiped away from my face as I swing my legs over the side of the bed and begin to gather up my things.  I didn't think I could stand for much more of this.  I was going to lose control of my own temper soon, I could feel it, and when I did get angry, I tended to do things that I would regret later on.

"I'm not like you-"

" And I don't expect you to be." I interjected quickly, slipping into my underclothes.

"I'm not in the habit of bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else.  If you're for some reason dissatisfied with me?  Fine.  Do whatever you want.  I can't make you completely happy with me, Hakkai.  I can't understand you.  You won't let me, and I don't even want to try."  Sanzo shrugged, holding his arms up in a gesture of surrender that would have been comical under any other situation.

"And that's the whole problem, Sanzo.  You don't even try." I sighed heavily, draping my shirt over my shoulder as I pulled my pants on.  This was it.  I'd messed up.  Whatever happened to the whole 'settling for all that I could get out of Sanzo' plan?  

I guess I was becoming a little more demanding than I'd previously been.  Gojyo would be pleased.  He'd always been slightly annoyed by what a push over I was.   I turned to face the fair-haired man scowling at me from the bed.  How awkward were things going to be throughout the rest of this journey, now that I'd had it out with him?  "I like you, Sanzo.  I want you.  Not just like this, but completely." I paused, waiting for any sort of reaction to this, but there was none.  I shouldn't have expected any in the first place, I guess.  I smile bitterly. "There.  I've told you what I wanted.  What about you?  What do you want?"  

I turned my back to him.  He mumbled something incomprehensible, causing me to stop in my tracks as I made my way towards the door.

"I want you to stay." Came the gruff response once more, louder this time.  He was staring down at the bed sheets and picking at a loose thread.  He wouldn't make eye contact with me, as though he were ashamed of what he'd just admitted.  It wasn't exactly a romantic pledge of undying love and devotion, or of change to accommodate me, but it would do.  You had to take things one-step at a time after all.

 He's arrogant, selfish and cold, but in spite of all of his shortcomings, his gruffness, his inability to open up to anyone, this was where I wanted to be, this was who I wanted to be with.  I was satisfied to lie here in the dark, his arm around me as I spoke of my future plans, listening to his steady breathing and getting no response whatsoever, because now I was secure in the knowledge that he did care.  

"It's a beautiful night.  Don't you think so, Sanzo?"

"Shut up, Hakkai.  I'm sleeping."  His hand grasps mine under the covers and gives it a light squeeze.

I smile into the darkness and I do as he says, because really, sometimes, silence can say volumes more than any words possibly could, at least until Sanzo blurts out something that I'd been longing to hear for a while now.  

I don't expect it to happen any time soon, he finds it so difficult to say what he truly wants to, but I can wait.

For now, I was happy.

_I am hanging on every word you say_

_And even if you don't want to speak tonight_

_That's all right, all right with me_

_'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door_

_And listen to you breathing, _

_Is where I want to be…_


End file.
